At the base of my torso is a slit from which my children have emerged. A smallish scar from which big things have grown. For a long time I was not proud of this little mark but over time I have come to accept that this is the birth story of my children.
My body gave up after very long labours with both children. It stalled at 6cm with Luca and 9cm with Ellie. The disappointment at getting so close with my second was tremendous. Completely overwhelming. We waited and laboured and waited and laboured. We even pushed, but that one last, tiny centimetre would not eventuate. I can fall pregnant in the blink of an eye, I carry my babies with ease, but I just can't get them out of me no matter how hard I try. It seems to be my fate and I was the loudest advocate for a natural, drug free birth.
I still dream of pushing my babies out, not dreaming as in wishful thinking, but really dreaming that I give birth. I'm not sure if this dream is a sign that I should have a third. After 2 c-sections I don't like my chances of a natural birth. But for the time being I have a good, long heroic tale of an epic labour and an assisted birth. That's how I like to think of it.
I so can relate to this post, feeling a little emotional actually. I am not even allowed to get to labour so you managed to get a little further than me. My little ones get stuck due to how my insides are made, they are always sideways breech and can't turn, so mcuh fun carrying babies full term wedged under your ribs! I have come to terms though I always feel like I have to justify it - I had a c-section but because... Poppy was due around that whole to posh to push thing. The other lady I had to share a room with in the hospital (thankfully only for one night) had a c-section as her first brith experience was hard and a friend informed her that c-sections don't hurt. She was crying with pain and giving the rest of us a bad name. Thanks for sharing your story!
ReplyDeleteI love my scar. It's the roll of flab above it that I hate! I love reading the stories of how other women did it.. I've come to the conclusion that we've all done it the hard way! ha ha
ReplyDeletebe proud that you brought two beautiful people into the world, no matter how. it must be hard feeling like you were cheated out of an experience that you were so passionate about. i realy do feel sorry for women who wish to but are unable to give birth or breastfeed naturaly, society is so busy trying to convince people not to choose to give these things up. it seems a bit forgotten that it is not possible for all. im sure your sadness has given you strength and wisdom that will help you in your life
ReplyDeleteScars are a way of reminding ourselves how strong we are. Birthing two children, no matter how you do it, takes strength. Three children could be an even bigger adventure, and I hope that if you decide to take that path, you're able to walk all the way down it this time.
ReplyDeleteps--the beach looks like so much fun!